Or Sins Forgiven, but at a Price!

Tatar Sauce - Jesus brand of "special sauce"

Jesus died for our sins, which is why we were cursed with the fillet-o-fish...that whole balancing of the universe thing. Yes it's that time of the year again...Lent! yeahhh. I wish the geniuses that thought up making all Catholics eat fish on Fridays as a favor to the fisherman, could have foreseen the future where it feeds a multi billion dollar fast food restaurant!

I won't even delve into the fact that the FoF contains multiple kinds of fish(not a good sign), or that they have to keep shifting the kind of fish they use because of overfishing(that's right, the FoF/catholic church, is destroying the environment!). It doesn't matter what kind of fish they use...they will just fry it up enough so you can't taste it. It's the other facets of the FoF that make it disturbing.

Cheese on a fish? It's been awhile since I was in a biology course, but I'm pretty sure cows live on land, and fish live in the sea. They were never meant to meet! You know something is wrong when the cheese is on the bottom of the of the sand which, it's a tact id admission that it doesn't belong on the sand which...cheese should never be a second class topping! They even only give you 1/2 a piece, which just makes it a show piece to make you think it will taste like any other sand which, but then you taste it....and it's too late.

I really need to start trying to convert people to my Friday Lent practice of having lamb(I love Greek food)...I go with the justification that Jesus was the lamb of God. See St. Peter mess with that logic when I'm standing at the pearly gates!

Aside:  Notice how McDonalds has a mascot for all their food choices BUT the fillet-o-fish?  McDonalds even knows it's bad.

FBI Watch-List Candidate Right Here.

So once again I'm flipping through google images, this time under the search "pencil shavings" for an idea on another post.  I come across this.

Tim Burton just had a "special moment" looking at this pic.

After getting over my incitial shock and awe I had to ask...

a) What kind of messed up mind comes up with this?  I'm impressed.

b) I can't but wonder what the over/under is on the time someone would get a call from their childs school if they put this in their backpack.

via Gizmodo

Your the Best!

While Mr. Miagi taught young men and women the fine art of Karate...Mrs. Miagi followed a different path into the seedy underworld of high stakes drinking competitions where she groomed the very best! 

"Very good Marion-san!"

Cue 80's style training montage of drinking exercises: beer after liquor, one handed keg stands, Long Island Ice Teas....none of that wax on wax off, fix my house up from dawn to dusk in contravention of child labor laws shite.  No Mrs. Miagi has her pupils working in her bar like it's a sweat shop. Which all leads up to Marion's climatic show down against an ex-president of the Alpha Beta fraternity.

Whats the drinking equivilent of "sweep the leg"?

Marion almost doesn't make it, but Mrs. Miagi slips her some herbal stimulants on the down low and she holds it together just long enough to drink the Alpha Beta under the table.  Then she passes out....and Mrs. Miagi steals her winnings from her unconcious hand...the end.

Foodnetwork + Reality = Must See TV

We've all seen the multitude of cooking shows out there.  What do they all have in common?  Perfection.

These two are one water spotted dish away from losing their cool.

You know what makes good TV? Chaos! I don't want to see another show with a pristine kitchen stocked with every conceivable appliance and tool.

I want to see someone cook with 3 screaming kids running around the kitchen fighting while the dogs dance around the cooks feet waiting for scraps to fall. I want to see the cook try to mix something up while holding a crying baby in one hand, the phone held to her ear with a hunched shoulder, while another kid is playing with the knifes that are stacked in the open washing machine.

I want to see the cook find out they don't have the right utensil/tool or better yet, find out their spouse didn't rinse off the dishes before putting them in the washing machine and the thing they need NOW isn't clean. Then just as they figure that out...they find out that they are missing an essential ingredient(or it's gone bad in the fridge)...as they are about to lose it because two of the kids are yelling and trying to pull out each other's hair...and the slow one is painting the walls with their soiled diaper, the guy from Iron Chef comes staggering from off screen dressed in an outfit that consists of a flannel shirt and sweats that look like they have been slept in for days to rummage through the fridge to find and announce the "secret ingredient" of the day.

Chairman Kaga says the secret ingredient is Hummus!

The show should just keep going from there. Kids whining when dinner is going to be done, the oven not cooking evenly, the different courses not being done at the same time, and the cooks spouse being late coming home from work.

Top the show off by having the family sit down for dinner, the cook(host) puts on a chipper face and says how easy it was to the audience, and then have the cooks spouse saying the meal didn't taste good....cue look of death from cook....fade out to police sirens and the COPS logo.

I'm not a God, but I play one at work.

Saw this pic on reddit awhile ago with the headline "Where is your god now?".  Apparently all it takes to posses god like powers in the eyes of the masses is a basic education in engineering.  I mean raise your hand if the first thing you ran through your mind when you saw this picture was not amazement, or "that's photo-shopped"...but to do a simple force diagram in your head and shrug.

Engineers can do this with their mind!

I guess engineering is indistinguishable from magic to most liberal arts majors...I should probably use this to my advantage and just start doing engineering parlor tricks to draw in the apostles.  All Jesus did was have a never ending basket of fish...I can make shite levitate!

In all seriousness I should probably sub for a grade school class and spend the day teaching kids tricks like this and tell them to go home and show mommy and daddy.  Then just sit back and watch the calls come rolling into the school that I'm teaching their children witchcraft heh.

What Court TV Should be Showing!

A lot of anger about the trying of Khalid Sheikh Mohammad in New York, in a civilian court no less. The administration is coming out saying out one side of their mouths that trying him in civilian court will show the world how civilized we are...and then winking at the camera and telling the rest of us that he will be convicted and executed no matter what! Clap...Clap...Clap.

Move over Tiger: The new Gillette spokesman!

Anyway I got off subject. We should NOT execute this guy, we should really degrade him, why make a Martyr when you can make a fool? I figure we start simple, with quarterly full body waxings followed by a bath in aftershave....all broadcast live on C-Span and across the globe of course.

Honestly look at this guy! After all the body waxing we should probably rent him out as a test dummy for male beauty products. He definitely has a "before" look to him instead of an after...so he could play that role in allot of commercials. After that? We do what Americans do best....use our imaginations!

1) All those infomercials demonstrating crazy inventions to "easily" remove hair...guinea pig right here.

2) Set him up to play the "dummy" in women's self defense classes across the country. Completely un padded of course.

3) I would really like to see him get a part in the cast of "The Vagina Monologues"

4) Definitely needs to co-star on an episode of "Dirty Jobs" where they work a hog farm. Mike Rowe will just sit back and "supervise".

5) Last but not least. He could be the homeless crazy guy who lives on Sesame street who is always preaching about Jihad on the corner...while all the characters pity him(including Oscar), and the adults teach us why he's wrong. MESSAGE!

This is not the America I grew up in!

Hasbro is revamping(destroying) the game of Monopoly.  Gone will be the traditional square board, and most important...bye bye funny money.  You'll use a credit card.  Dear god I hope this a "New Coke" style marketing scheme.

No money!...are you fricken kidding me!  How in gods name is anyone going to cheat?  Entire generations grew up either A) volunteering to be the banker so you could embezzle funds, or B) Learning to never trust anyone that volunteered to be the banker and watch them like a hawk.  These were real life lessons.  you learned to count and handle money, and keep track of "The Man".

So instead of cash, you'll be using a credit card, which will actually be designed by Visa....hookem while their young!

I'm going to slip into conspiracy theory mode here.  We have a round board invoking Arthur's Round Table, we are equal blah blah.  It's hard for someone to be living on the ritzy street of Park Ave....if the unwashed on Baltic Ave aren't even around the corner out of the line of sight!  Then you have everyone's transactions being electronically recorded and sent to big brother to make sure you spend your money "correctly".

Top it all off with a box with a big "Red" label over the words Revolution....they might as well put the Soviet hammer and sickle on the box!

(Over the Top? heh)

Super Bowl Star? Andy the Anteater

In a year bereft of stars, Andy the Anteater: Green Police Enforcer...rose to the top.

After seeing that commercial, I'm half expecting the green police to come busting down my door with Andy in the lead...I just know he will sniff out my contraband stash of double ply toilet paper!

Honestly this needs to be just the start for Andy. He needs to shoot for the big time...beer commercials. If you thought Spuds McKenzie could sell the beer and pull in the ladies...Andy will rock your world. Put a little tuxedo on him and he will be as cute as a puppy, but with an air of foreign sophistication.

Spuds can't touch this

Aside:  I want one of those hip leashes for my dogs...gotta be better at keeping them from tangling up their feet in the leash.

After the jump.  Video of Andy making a bust.

Apt I Say....Apt!

God I wish this was a true story.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we wi...ll have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

They left off the Epilogue: The professors fellow academics shunned him for teaching the kids the facts of life.

Via The Jawa Report

Make Harry Potter an Athlete?...Rig The Rules of the Game.

I've never read the books, but the movie is on tonight, and I saw something I had to comment on.  Quidditch has to be the stupidest game ever designed.

Oh it looks great on screen....but let me get this straight.  While the teams are playing an actual game, that seems quite brutal and intresting...all that effort and teamwork can be wiped out in a second by one kid floating off to the side above the fray if they catch the little gold thing?

Sorry your in the hospital with the injury bud, we were winning 100-0, but then the other team caught the golden ball...so we lost.

(Quidditch Affirmative Action)

This would be like the Super Bowl being decided not by the two teams on the field, but two kickers...taking turns trying to make a 70 yard field goal in an empty stadium next door.  First one to make it wins for their team.  If you translated this to basketball, the Washington Generals could get waxed on the court every game...as long as they had a fat dude that could make a 3/4 court shot before regulation time ran out.

Quidditch...the anti thesis of a team sport.

Can't be Unseen

You ever seen something blasphemous you know you shouldn't have?...and laughed and enjoyed it none the less?  Yeah, I'm expecting God to unleash his wrath through my laptop screen any moment Raiders style.

I don't know what the best part of this video is. The space helmet wearing angel monkey in heaven, Jesus turning Holy Water into Whiskey, the mixing of Jesus blood(wine) with drugs, doing the moonwalk over the water, the baseball cap embroidered with thorns that could have come right out of the Ed Hardy collection, or the rave style Crucifixion of a finale. Yep, going to hell.

One thing I didn't like? The savior of mankind should not be wearing "tighty whities" Video after the jump.

I Don't Understand Comics

Ok, I'll freely admit, I've never read a comic in my life. So I have no idea where all these fan boys are coming from when they think they are one highest forms of art/literature. That's like me comparing the "choose your own adventure" books I read growing up to Shakespeare.

1) I don't know how something can be considered literature when it has less words per page than Cat in the Hat.

2) No wonder they are making every other movie out of a comic book. Compared to a REAL book, they have so little plot and dialog that they can fit it into 90 minutes. Add in the fact that it's already storyboarded and has a built in audience trying to justify their obsession...hard to not make some money.