1. I think I should bring a can of Easy Cheese with me next time I go up for communion. Spray a little cheese on my communion wafer. I wonder if the priest would immediately douse me with holy water.
2. I love how the McDonald's dollar menu has been resisting the forces of inflation going on a good decade. We should really think about putting Ronald McDonald in charge of the Fed, has to be better than Turbo Tax Timmy.
3. Why are guys who come on The Maury Povich show to see if "they are the father"...always bringing their mommy along with them?
4. Why do I think the reason "The Count" on Sesame street is obsessed with counting is because he has been alive for so so long? He is probably marking the days like a depressed prisoner.
5. Girl Scouts and Cookie Monster...a product commercial made in heaven. Way to miss that one Mad Men
Showing posts with label Things I think I think. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Things I think I think. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Things I think I think: March 2, 2010
1. We have the SAP feature on televisions for those that speak espanol, and closed captioning for the hearing impaired. But what we really need is a button to push so that the plot twists in movies and tv shows can be explained to those not so swift on the uptake...spare the rest of us from having to explain everything.
2. I've had one cup of coffee in my life, but I've found something else that will wake you up even better in the morning. I'll leave my contact case on the window sill overnight during the winter(aka 70 percent of the year). Put those puppies in...your awake. Brisk.
3. The Democrats are starting to remind me of the Simpson's with their insistence on continuing with this health care bill. They figure if they say "Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore" enough times that Homer and Marge(The American People) will just give in to shut them up
4. With the bevy of babes that James Bond has bedded, and the fact that I've never seen Q issue him any protection, I would expect that we were due a father/son Bond movie. Then I had the thought that the double O in 007 probably meant they had him fixed...snipped the boys right off and replaced them with something Q thought up....case solved.
5. I honestly think the preacher of the church down the street needs to set up a twitter account. He always has something "colorful" on the billboard out in front of the church. The latest is "Repent, Toyota isn't the only Maker that can issue a recall". I should stop in one time to experience a fire and brimstone service heh.
2. I've had one cup of coffee in my life, but I've found something else that will wake you up even better in the morning. I'll leave my contact case on the window sill overnight during the winter(aka 70 percent of the year). Put those puppies in...your awake. Brisk.
3. The Democrats are starting to remind me of the Simpson's with their insistence on continuing with this health care bill. They figure if they say "Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore" enough times that Homer and Marge(The American People) will just give in to shut them up
4. With the bevy of babes that James Bond has bedded, and the fact that I've never seen Q issue him any protection, I would expect that we were due a father/son Bond movie. Then I had the thought that the double O in 007 probably meant they had him fixed...snipped the boys right off and replaced them with something Q thought up....case solved.
5. I honestly think the preacher of the church down the street needs to set up a twitter account. He always has something "colorful" on the billboard out in front of the church. The latest is "Repent, Toyota isn't the only Maker that can issue a recall". I should stop in one time to experience a fire and brimstone service heh.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Things I think I think: February 24, 2010
1. I'm going to have to stop using Bing as my search engine because the daily pictures they put up is exponentially increasing the places I need to visit in person.
2. If Al Gore wanted me to really believe that the oceans were going to rise 20 or so feet like he says in his documentry...he wouldn't have bought a waterfront condo last year in San Fransico.
3. Olympic Skaters throwing around their pixie sized partners is high art. But if I toss one dwarf I'm a bad guy?
4. Why does Disney's Epcot center look like the evil layer of every Bond villan? What did Walt Disney have planed before his untimely death?
5. Come on, where is the "Snow Ball Fight" event in the winter olympics?
2. If Al Gore wanted me to really believe that the oceans were going to rise 20 or so feet like he says in his documentry...he wouldn't have bought a waterfront condo last year in San Fransico.
3. Olympic Skaters throwing around their pixie sized partners is high art. But if I toss one dwarf I'm a bad guy?
4. Why does Disney's Epcot center look like the evil layer of every Bond villan? What did Walt Disney have planed before his untimely death?
5. Come on, where is the "Snow Ball Fight" event in the winter olympics?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Things I think I think: February 20, 2010
Apparently Disney characters(I'm looking at you Donald) are the paragon of mental health!
1. This picture just had to be the basis of someones senior thesis.
2. Someone needs to dress up as Pepe Le Pew and follow Tiger Woods from hole to hole. Come on Late Night...make this happen.
3. Honestly where are Bugs Bunny and Tweety Bird in the above graphic? Tweety Bird obviously has the psychological make-up of a serial killer, and Bugs Bunny...well he's just a dick.
4. Had Hudson out for a walk today. We come to some plowed up snow that reaches over my head...Hudson decides to climb it and then decides to leave a little present right there at the very top. So I had the surreal moment of waving at a gawking passing car as my dog made himself "king of the mountain" for all the world to see....and no...I wasn't climbing up there to pick it up. Couldn't take that away from him heh.
5. It's late Friday night and I've been studying for an exam all night...about the only thing that convinces me that this isn't some terrible nightmare were I've traveled back in time is the heating pad on my achy back...that never happened in my 20's.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Things I think I think: February 19, 2010
1. Has anyone actually seen Sesame Street lately? Boy has it become racist...or maybe I just notice it now. Every adult that lives on Sesame Street is of some ethnic decent...ok, not unusual. But every time they bring in someone to teach the kids about something(musicians, actors, scientists, artists), they always seem to be white. Yeah Michael Obama got to come on(once her husband became leader of the free world!) and she told kids....to eat their vegetables. What kind of message does that send the kids?
2. I honestly think there is some crazy conservative/tea partier out there practicing Voodoo from the way that democrats are dropping out and losing races left and right...hell as I wrote this Sen. Lautenburg(D-New Jersey) fell down some stairs, and caught himself some cancer.
3. Do you think we could get gang members to cut down on the gang hand signs if we just start putting a meme out there that equates them to a Star Trek geek throwing up a "Spock"?
4. Why do all races(NASCAR, track and field, skating, horse/dog racing...etc) go around the track counter clockwise? Do they think they are going faster metaphorically because they are actually racing against the clock?
5. Why do I think that if I say Snookie, Snookie, Snookie out loud like saying Beetlejuice three times, bad things will happen?
2. I honestly think there is some crazy conservative/tea partier out there practicing Voodoo from the way that democrats are dropping out and losing races left and right...hell as I wrote this Sen. Lautenburg(D-New Jersey) fell down some stairs, and caught himself some cancer.
3. Do you think we could get gang members to cut down on the gang hand signs if we just start putting a meme out there that equates them to a Star Trek geek throwing up a "Spock"?
4. Why do all races(NASCAR, track and field, skating, horse/dog racing...etc) go around the track counter clockwise? Do they think they are going faster metaphorically because they are actually racing against the clock?
5. Why do I think that if I say Snookie, Snookie, Snookie out loud like saying Beetlejuice three times, bad things will happen?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Things I think I think: February 10, 2010
1. After seeing those Strawberry Cheetos the Japanese came up with...I think they need to swing for the fences and come out with some Wasabi flavored Cheetos.
2. Why do 90 percent of Liberal arts majors/classes seem like what the rest of us do for a hobby/fun? People honestly pay someone to learn this stuff?
3. I need to renew my quest to get my sister to start writing "Food Porn". We were sitting at the kitchen table and she went into this description about how you eat Brownie Fudge ice cream and how good it was. After realizing how good she was at it, and imagining the book cover(shirtless romance novel hunk rubbing brownie batter on his chest)...I think we had someone out the door on a quest to find some in about 5 minutes. Missing her calling.
4. Blogger, no spellcheck. Check post in gmail, no mas on a word. Paste misspelled word in google, I get the correct spelling. 3 google products to get the answer...but I digress, their geniuses.
5. I need to make a remote controlled Jenga brick that vibrates so I can cheat.
6. Why is the Internet great? I only have to watch an hour of TV a week(Lost)...I leave it to the thousands of people out there that want to blog and post video of the good parts so I don't waste my time. Honestly, as an example, when is the last time someone actually WATCHED Saturday Night Live? Catch the clips Monday.
7. Someone needs to to market a single serving sized tube of cake frosting.
8. Honestly, why is the Pope such a big deal? I can go down to my local church and get just as much absolution delivered by a 6th string preist as I could from the Pope...I wouldn't even have to get it in Italian.
2. Why do 90 percent of Liberal arts majors/classes seem like what the rest of us do for a hobby/fun? People honestly pay someone to learn this stuff?
3. I need to renew my quest to get my sister to start writing "Food Porn". We were sitting at the kitchen table and she went into this description about how you eat Brownie Fudge ice cream and how good it was. After realizing how good she was at it, and imagining the book cover(shirtless romance novel hunk rubbing brownie batter on his chest)...I think we had someone out the door on a quest to find some in about 5 minutes. Missing her calling.
4. Blogger, no spellcheck. Check post in gmail, no mas on a word. Paste misspelled word in google, I get the correct spelling. 3 google products to get the answer...but I digress, their geniuses.
5. I need to make a remote controlled Jenga brick that vibrates so I can cheat.
6. Why is the Internet great? I only have to watch an hour of TV a week(Lost)...I leave it to the thousands of people out there that want to blog and post video of the good parts so I don't waste my time. Honestly, as an example, when is the last time someone actually WATCHED Saturday Night Live? Catch the clips Monday.
7. Someone needs to to market a single serving sized tube of cake frosting.
8. Honestly, why is the Pope such a big deal? I can go down to my local church and get just as much absolution delivered by a 6th string preist as I could from the Pope...I wouldn't even have to get it in Italian.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Things I think I think: January 31, 2010
1. I read with amusement all the Apple disciples getting all dreamy over the iPad reveal....honestly you would think they were tween girls going nuts over the latest prepubescent nonthreatening girly looking pop star. Then they mentioned that Jack Bauer is going to use one on this season of 24....the question is, who is he going to kill with it?
Jack Bauer should NOT be using any kind of Apple product besides a phone. When I think of Apple guys?...guys who have never had calluses on their hands, have no scars, and love to moisturize...life outside the Starbucks is hard!. Jack Bauer needs to be using something useful...he's running around killing, getting torchered, and saving the country for 24 hours straight...what does Jack need? An energy drink....24hrs hours of killing energy! Just think of the product placement possibilities! Jack could be pulling out an energy drink from his "Bauer Bag" every episode....maybe make a bomb out of the empty container or two.
The only problem I see is the possibility of Keifer Sutherland spiking his energy drink.
2. Winter survival tip: REALLY cold outside? Have to run to the store? Take a dog or two along....they and their body heat will keep the car warm while you are inside....trust me. Calories I feed them finally come in handy!
3. Pez, teaching kids to load gun magazines since 1927. Omg, I figured I would check this one on google...Pez pistols exist!...and yes, kids learn to put the barrel in their mouth and pull the trigger to get candy.
So basically, your friendly neighborhood jihads can kill as many children as he wants and get his 72 virgins in heaven...but if he dies with a hot dog in his stomach? "Take Him to Detroit". Why do I think this will be much more of a deterrent than a billion dollar bomber? Yeah the Ivy Leaguers in the State Department will forbid it...but, it will make it into the field anyway.
6. You have no idea how much I loath Accounting at this point. From now on, when I meet someone that says they are an Accountant...automatic distrust/put them in the crazy category....because nobody could study this crap for years and stay sane. I like engineering, it's based on the laws on nature, the laws of common sense apply. Accounting is based on the laws of man, and law, yeah...common sense goes out the window. You wonder why the economy/government is f*cked.
7. What do you think the over/under is on the number of minutes Lady Gaga would last walking down the street in Gaza dressed up in one of her outfits? I'm going with 15.
Jack Bauer should NOT be using any kind of Apple product besides a phone. When I think of Apple guys?...guys who have never had calluses on their hands, have no scars, and love to moisturize...life outside the Starbucks is hard!. Jack Bauer needs to be using something useful...he's running around killing, getting torchered, and saving the country for 24 hours straight...what does Jack need? An energy drink....24hrs hours of killing energy! Just think of the product placement possibilities! Jack could be pulling out an energy drink from his "Bauer Bag" every episode....maybe make a bomb out of the empty container or two.
The only problem I see is the possibility of Keifer Sutherland spiking his energy drink.
2. Winter survival tip: REALLY cold outside? Have to run to the store? Take a dog or two along....they and their body heat will keep the car warm while you are inside....trust me. Calories I feed them finally come in handy!
3. Pez, teaching kids to load gun magazines since 1927. Omg, I figured I would check this one on google...Pez pistols exist!...and yes, kids learn to put the barrel in their mouth and pull the trigger to get candy.
4. The fact that Blogger is run by Google....but I have to copy everything I write here....paste it over into a gmail so I can spell check it....then paste it back here, and then reformat it again? Google fail. Guess they are too busy collecting enough info on me to know when I make a call to nature.
5. A company is now making a pork based gun oil, with the motto "One Shot-One Soul" I'll let them elaborate.
HOW does SILVER BULLET GUN OIL work? SILVER BULLET GUN OIL CONTAINS 13% USDA LIQUEFIED PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is mixed with our blended, hi-grade WEAPONS OIL designed for use in ALL FIREARMS. The oil is applied to the inside of the barrel of any firearm or weapons system. When fired, BULLETS are coated with SILVER BULLET GUN OIL containing the PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is transferred to anything the BULLETS STRIKE. The coating of OIL CONTAINING PIG FAT effectively DENIES entry to Allah's Paradise to any Islamo-Fascist terrorist KIA with a bullet coming from a firearm using SILVER BULLET GUN OIL in the barrel. SILVER BULLET GUN OIL uses the belief system of Allah's Islamo-Fascist terrorists to put fear of death into them, a fear they haven't had until NOW.
So basically, your friendly neighborhood jihads can kill as many children as he wants and get his 72 virgins in heaven...but if he dies with a hot dog in his stomach? "Take Him to Detroit". Why do I think this will be much more of a deterrent than a billion dollar bomber? Yeah the Ivy Leaguers in the State Department will forbid it...but, it will make it into the field anyway.
6. You have no idea how much I loath Accounting at this point. From now on, when I meet someone that says they are an Accountant...automatic distrust/put them in the crazy category....because nobody could study this crap for years and stay sane. I like engineering, it's based on the laws on nature, the laws of common sense apply. Accounting is based on the laws of man, and law, yeah...common sense goes out the window. You wonder why the economy/government is f*cked.
7. What do you think the over/under is on the number of minutes Lady Gaga would last walking down the street in Gaza dressed up in one of her outfits? I'm going with 15.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Things I think I think: January 17. 2010
1. Is it just me...or is every Jihadi video/mug shot just screaming out for a "Glamor Shots" make over? I want to see Khalid Shake Muhammad with some soft lighting and a dash of laser show behind him.
2. Since Herbie the "Love Bug" is kinda alive...can he be sued for child support for any kids conceived in his back seat?
3. The reason at home pregnancy test show results as the confusing pink/blue or +/- instead of the straight forward Yes/No....is because it's hard to read words through the tears.
4. Why do I think there is a correlation between the number of Jihadi terrorist attacks against us...and the increasing saturation of erectile dysfunction ads on the airwaves? It's like we are broadcasting to the world that we aren't real men. Back in the day, we had The Duke and still have Eastwood....now we have elfin celebrities and sports stars selling out and saying they need help. We are broadcasting this to a culture in which the men oppress the women(because they have issues), have multiple wife's because they think of themselves as so virile, marry 12 year olds so they can be the "man"...and then expect 72 virgins when they become martyrs. The way we counter act this? We send our "4 hour erection" brigade overseas....victory through superior pharmacology!
5. Isn't odd that Nascar races are populated by cars going around the track with alcohol advertisements all over them? Shouldn't they be required to chug a beer during every refuelling stop to make the race really interesting?...and serve as a message to kids? Love to see drivers have to go through a sobriety check point in pit row around lap 300.
6. The A-Team was really good at blowing things up...but not so good at the whole "proving your innocent" side of things...not enough book leanin.
2. Since Herbie the "Love Bug" is kinda alive...can he be sued for child support for any kids conceived in his back seat?
3. The reason at home pregnancy test show results as the confusing pink/blue or +/- instead of the straight forward Yes/No....is because it's hard to read words through the tears.
4. Why do I think there is a correlation between the number of Jihadi terrorist attacks against us...and the increasing saturation of erectile dysfunction ads on the airwaves? It's like we are broadcasting to the world that we aren't real men. Back in the day, we had The Duke and still have Eastwood....now we have elfin celebrities and sports stars selling out and saying they need help. We are broadcasting this to a culture in which the men oppress the women(because they have issues), have multiple wife's because they think of themselves as so virile, marry 12 year olds so they can be the "man"...and then expect 72 virgins when they become martyrs. The way we counter act this? We send our "4 hour erection" brigade overseas....victory through superior pharmacology!
5. Isn't odd that Nascar races are populated by cars going around the track with alcohol advertisements all over them? Shouldn't they be required to chug a beer during every refuelling stop to make the race really interesting?...and serve as a message to kids? Love to see drivers have to go through a sobriety check point in pit row around lap 300.
6. The A-Team was really good at blowing things up...but not so good at the whole "proving your innocent" side of things...not enough book leanin.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Things I think I think: January 12, 2010
1. They are actually making a big hollywood biography about Muhammad...were they will never show him on screen, just so they don't offend. Nothing says entertainment like 3 hours of silloets...maybe they can do them in 3D!...Dear God.
2. After seeing how radical Muslims reacted to just a simple cartoon of Muhammad...I wonder how they would react if anyone actually slipped and called out his name durring sex. Wait...most muslims are named Muhammad...kinky.
3. There are probably Jihadis searching for me right now because I've mispelled Muhammad at least twice now writing this....hopefully spell check saves me....hell Google probably has already sent them all my personal information just because I needed the spellcheck.
4. New fathers should be forced to look at redcarpet photos from the AVN(Adult Video N?) awards as a warning. Not my damn daughter!
5. Anyone else expect all the Keebler Elves to come crashing out of that big tree in Avatar when they blew it up?
2. After seeing how radical Muslims reacted to just a simple cartoon of Muhammad...I wonder how they would react if anyone actually slipped and called out his name durring sex. Wait...most muslims are named Muhammad...kinky.
3. There are probably Jihadis searching for me right now because I've mispelled Muhammad at least twice now writing this....hopefully spell check saves me....hell Google probably has already sent them all my personal information just because I needed the spellcheck.
4. New fathers should be forced to look at redcarpet photos from the AVN(Adult Video N?) awards as a warning. Not my damn daughter!
Just slap that image on the cover of a parenting book with the title "Don't be that Dad". NYT best seller.
5. Anyone else expect all the Keebler Elves to come crashing out of that big tree in Avatar when they blew it up?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Things I think I think: January 10, 2010
1. Read recently that scientist are hypothising that there are millions of pounds of fish on Europa...first thing that pops into my mind is Japan going on a crash space program and shooting a bunch of "Bonzai!" screaming sushi chefs(wearing only loincloths) into space. They need something new and strange to eat.
2. "Shark Fin Soup" aren't sharks just a bunch of moving cartlage? Isn't that like Americans just tossing chicken cartledge into a soup and KFC charging 20 bucks a bowl?
3. So how long until Lindsey Lohans spirit is haunting some hollywood hotel room?...I just know that room is going to be plagued by unexplained episodes of the minibar being emptied, and unauthorized phone charges followed by random dealers knocking on the door in the middle of the night.
4. Do you think Dr. McCoy is always saying "Damnit I'm a doctor not an XXXX" just to rub it into everyone else that he's a doctor? I mean he's always on the bridge instead of his office doing his job. Probably looking for a pat on the back. Meanwhile Scotty the engineer keeps his ass down in the engine room saving everyone's ass.
5. China wants us to subsidize them to reduce their CO2 emissions. Fine, I want them to subsidize me because I had some chinese food for dinner and I'm hungry an hour later.
2. "Shark Fin Soup" aren't sharks just a bunch of moving cartlage? Isn't that like Americans just tossing chicken cartledge into a soup and KFC charging 20 bucks a bowl?
3. So how long until Lindsey Lohans spirit is haunting some hollywood hotel room?...I just know that room is going to be plagued by unexplained episodes of the minibar being emptied, and unauthorized phone charges followed by random dealers knocking on the door in the middle of the night.
4. Do you think Dr. McCoy is always saying "Damnit I'm a doctor not an XXXX" just to rub it into everyone else that he's a doctor? I mean he's always on the bridge instead of his office doing his job. Probably looking for a pat on the back. Meanwhile Scotty the engineer keeps his ass down in the engine room saving everyone's ass.
5. China wants us to subsidize them to reduce their CO2 emissions. Fine, I want them to subsidize me because I had some chinese food for dinner and I'm hungry an hour later.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Things I think I think: January 5, 2010
1. The United States needs to have a crash Bioengineering program modeled after the Manhattan Project, just so we can give the President the ability to hold a news conference and announce...."Release the Kraken!" See the Jihadies mess with that! Zeus > Mohammad.
2. Who wins in a game of hide and go seek? Carmen Sandiego or Waldo?
3. After seeing Avatar, I think God has been lacking in the imagination/beauty department. The government needs to spend some of that stimulus money(Obama's Stash) to bio engineer my grass to glow in the dark...hell they bioed pigs to glow in the dark!
4. Ok, we have American Idol, contestants which SING covers. Then some other show that have groups sing...covers. Then we have dance shows(throw a dart at a style). Where are the shows that feature instrument talent? Did I miss the fact that Gutar Hero/Rock Band are two of the most popular games in history? Put some actual musicians on stage to show what they can do!..let them do some orginal stuff. The other shows cut out the entire male demographic. Makes too much sence I know.
5. Do you think Goofy hates his parents for cursing him with that name?
2. Who wins in a game of hide and go seek? Carmen Sandiego or Waldo?
3. After seeing Avatar, I think God has been lacking in the imagination/beauty department. The government needs to spend some of that stimulus money(Obama's Stash) to bio engineer my grass to glow in the dark...hell they bioed pigs to glow in the dark!
4. Ok, we have American Idol, contestants which SING covers. Then some other show that have groups sing...covers. Then we have dance shows(throw a dart at a style). Where are the shows that feature instrument talent? Did I miss the fact that Gutar Hero/Rock Band are two of the most popular games in history? Put some actual musicians on stage to show what they can do!..let them do some orginal stuff. The other shows cut out the entire male demographic. Makes too much sence I know.
5. Do you think Goofy hates his parents for cursing him with that name?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Things I think I think: January 2, 2010
1. Maybe Pandas don't procreate because they think of each other as too "Cute".
2. Do you ever think Santa will look at the cookies left out for him and just snap yelling "I don't want any damn cookies....I want a Pony!"
3. Christmas shopping is alot more fun when you have little kids to buy for.
4. For someone who just got done leacturing us all about the evils of global warming...you would think the president would have found a place a little colder and a little closer than Hawaii to spend his Christmas vacation.
5. I'm convinced the world started going down hill with the invention of the microwave....once you could get a hot meal in 30 seconds...attention spans and concentration went out the window.
2. Do you ever think Santa will look at the cookies left out for him and just snap yelling "I don't want any damn cookies....I want a Pony!"
3. Christmas shopping is alot more fun when you have little kids to buy for.
4. For someone who just got done leacturing us all about the evils of global warming...you would think the president would have found a place a little colder and a little closer than Hawaii to spend his Christmas vacation.
5. I'm convinced the world started going down hill with the invention of the microwave....once you could get a hot meal in 30 seconds...attention spans and concentration went out the window.
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