Things I think I think: January 31, 2010

1. I read with amusement all the Apple disciples getting all dreamy over the iPad reveal....honestly you would think they were tween girls going nuts over the latest prepubescent nonthreatening girly looking pop star. Then they mentioned that Jack Bauer is going to use one on this season of 24....the question is, who is he going to kill with it?

Jack Bauer should NOT be using any kind of Apple product besides a phone. When I think of Apple guys?...guys who have never had calluses on their hands, have no scars, and love to moisturize...life outside the Starbucks is hard!. Jack Bauer needs to be using something useful...he's running around killing, getting torchered, and saving the country for 24 hours straight...what does Jack need? An energy drink....24hrs hours of killing energy! Just think of the product placement possibilities! Jack could be pulling out an energy drink from his "Bauer Bag" every episode....maybe make a bomb out of the empty container or two.

The only problem I see is the possibility of Keifer Sutherland spiking his energy drink.

2. Winter survival tip: REALLY cold outside? Have to run to the store? Take a dog or two along....they and their body heat will keep the car warm while you are inside....trust me. Calories I feed them finally come in handy!

3. Pez, teaching kids to load gun magazines since 1927. Omg, I figured I would check this one on google...Pez pistols exist!...and yes, kids learn to put the barrel in their mouth and pull the trigger to get candy.

4. The fact that Blogger is run by Google....but I have to copy everything I write here....paste it over into a gmail so I can spell check it....then paste it back here, and then reformat it again? Google fail. Guess they are too busy collecting enough info on me to know when I make a call to nature.

5. A company is now making a pork based gun oil, with the motto "One Shot-One Soul" I'll let them elaborate.

HOW does SILVER BULLET GUN OIL work? SILVER BULLET GUN OIL CONTAINS 13% USDA LIQUEFIED PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is mixed with our blended, hi-grade WEAPONS OIL designed for use in ALL FIREARMS. The oil is applied to the inside of the barrel of any firearm or weapons system. When fired, BULLETS are coated with SILVER BULLET GUN OIL containing the PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is transferred to anything the BULLETS STRIKE. The coating of OIL CONTAINING PIG FAT effectively DENIES entry to Allah's Paradise to any Islamo-Fascist terrorist KIA with a bullet coming from a firearm using SILVER BULLET GUN OIL in the barrel. SILVER BULLET GUN OIL uses the belief system of Allah's Islamo-Fascist terrorists to put fear of death into them, a fear they haven't had until NOW.

So basically, your friendly neighborhood jihads can kill as many children as he wants and get his 72 virgins in heaven...but if he dies with a hot dog in his stomach? "Take Him to Detroit". Why do I think this will be much more of a deterrent than a billion dollar bomber? Yeah the Ivy Leaguers in the State Department will forbid it...but, it will make it into the field anyway.

6. You have no idea how much I loath Accounting at this point. From now on, when I meet someone that says they are an Accountant...automatic distrust/put them in the crazy category....because nobody could study this crap for years and stay sane. I like engineering, it's based on the laws on nature, the laws of common sense apply. Accounting is based on the laws of man, and law, yeah...common sense goes out the window. You wonder why the economy/government is f*cked.

7. What do you think the over/under is on the number of minutes Lady Gaga would last walking down the street in Gaza dressed up in one of her outfits? I'm going with 15.

Dedication: You Don't Succeed Without It!

This man will make more money his rookie year than you will in the next 20....because he's an athlete.

Can we get a special award from congress for those compression shorts going above and beyond?

Political Cartoon of the Day: January 27, 2010

I love political cartoons. They just boil down an idea to it's point without going into a long winded article. I was probably one of the few freshmen in college getting the WSJ delivered to my door every morning(I didn't even have to go outside!) and I would cut out the cartoons after I got done with the paper and plaster them around my room. So I figured I would start posting the ones that really made me laugh.

He wants to "freeze" only parts of the discretionary budget(he's exempted over 60% right off the bat)...and doesn't want to cut anything from a budget that grew 24% last year alone?  Wouldn't you take a 24% raise today and forgo one for 3 years like he's proposing?  BS

These Never Get Old

The money quote: "Bush got C's, Obama probably failed lunch"

Government Sponsered Stupid

Was just reading a recap of Obama's interview with Diane Sawyer...and this little snippet while talking about his proposeles to help middleclass families set me off a bit.

"Capping student federal loan payments to 10 percent of the student's income above a basic living allowance."

You know what that sounds like to me? Encouragement(bailout) to people that spend 8-10 years in college to get a doctorate in a subject(communications, literature, women's studies, phys ed...etc) who get out into the real world with a 100k in debt and realize the only job they can get is as a barista at Starbucks.

Obama wants to do the country good, he should be handing out 50% loan repayments to engineers, doctors, nurses, and technical degrees....oh and making law students pay 150%...we got too many of those already!

Aliens are Racists!

So the Aliens in Close Encounters of the Third Kind invite "ordinary" Americans to their top secret midnight picnic(Isn't this the begining of most serial killer movies?).  But did anyone notice what all of the invites had in common?

That's right...all white. Do they not like the Mexicans, blacks, and Chinese? But they have the best food! Come on, would you rather have Richard Dreyfus teaching you how to heat up hot dogs in a toaster oven on that long space flight...or Ms Wong cooking up a Chinese buffet?

Obviously these are aliens driven by ideology(i.e dangerous). They should have come down the ramp goose stepping!

Aside: I have to say Richard Dreyfus's characters play to dodge child support for the kids he abandoned has to be the greatest ever. Really, traveling with aliens? The whole 2nd half of the movie should have ended up being the explination of some lawyer he's(Dreyfus) not in court...then flashing to where he really is...Costa Rica.

Cultural Archeology

I present the origin of the "tramp stamp" tattoo.

Deep down, you know I'm right. Now if I could just figure out what invaded our cultural consciousness to give us the douche bicep "barb-wire" tattoo

Mother of the Year

Doesn't this picture just put all our mommy and daddy issues to shame and banish them to the corner?

Why do I sense Psychiatrists across the country are giving each other high-fives like a couple of trial lawyers who have just won a big judgement after seeing this picture? These poor kids are going to be on the couch FOR EV ER.

I just love how both of the girls are staring at a blank wall in a desperate attempt to play the "we are not with her" card.

PETA Fail

I can't even get my dogs to lay still for me to trim their nails, I basically have to full body pin them.  Yet some people were able to pull off this?

Maybe PETA should stop worrying about how worms and minks(silky rats) are treated, and get on this!

For the rest 25 Hardcore Pets

Things I think I think: January 17. 2010

1. Is it just me...or is every Jihadi video/mug shot just screaming out for a "Glamor Shots" make over? I want to see Khalid Shake Muhammad with some soft lighting and a dash of laser show behind him.

2. Since Herbie the "Love Bug" is kinda alive...can he be sued for child support for any kids conceived in his back seat?

3. The reason at home pregnancy test show results as the confusing pink/blue or +/- instead of the straight forward Yes/No....is because it's hard to read words through the tears.

4. Why do I think there is a correlation between the number of Jihadi terrorist attacks against us...and the increasing saturation of erectile dysfunction ads on the airwaves? It's like we are broadcasting to the world that we aren't real men. Back in the day, we had The Duke and still have Eastwood....now we have elfin celebrities and sports stars selling out and saying they need help. We are broadcasting this to a culture in which the men oppress the women(because they have issues), have multiple wife's because they think of themselves as so virile, marry 12 year olds so they can be the "man"...and then expect 72 virgins when they become martyrs. The way we counter act this? We send our "4 hour erection" brigade overseas....victory through superior pharmacology!

5. Isn't odd that Nascar races are populated by cars going around the track with alcohol advertisements all over them? Shouldn't they be required to chug a beer during every refuelling stop to make the race really interesting?...and serve as a message to kids? Love to see drivers have to go through a sobriety check point in pit row around lap 300.

6. The A-Team was really good at blowing things up...but not so good at the whole "proving your innocent" side of things...not enough book leanin.

200 Years Later...Still on the Lam

Still haven't seen the movie, but I thought this was funny/well done.

To Good of an Idea: Bud Bowl...the Game

Before I liked football...I loved Bud Bowl.  I lived in the Keys when this came out.  We hardly came inside to sleep let alone lay around to watch football.  Add in that there was no orginized football and you get the fact that we saw exactly one football game a year Bud Bowl...err I mean the Super Bowl.

But my fond memories of Bud Bowl got me thinking. No, I'm not going to jump into the "bring back" Bud Bowl camp. No, the new thing is "re-imagining" the classics, so they need to go beyond TV....time for a video game.

The set up is perfect. There are no viable football game alternatives to Madden because of the player name monopoly...don't need real names for Beer bottles. Graphics? They are BEER BOTTLES...shift them left, shift them right...maybe a shattering animation for big hits? I figure Budweiser could make a free down loadable game for every major system for what they pay for 2 commercials during the Super Bowl...but people would be playing it long after the Super Bowl. Heck they could promote a drinking game out of it like Beer Pong.

Best is...they could promote new products via online updates. If you could download a new quarterback with great stats, representing a new flavor....wouldn't you try the real beer at least once?

This probably runs up against some kind of "Marketing to Children" hysteria, but they advertise beer every real game....and they sell that Modern Warfare 2 to kids...and you gun down innocents in that...so they can STFU...I want my Bud Bowl!

Poor Nazi Monkey

As kids, we all loved the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark, my god...they had a PET MONKEY. But all that awe and goodwill vanished when he went and saluted the Fuhrer. Not only was he a traitor spy monkey, he was a Nazi! Where was Peta on this one? Maybe if they had trained him to smoke like other monkeys he could have found a niche in Hollywood, but going around saluting the Fuhrer? I don't think that would fly...and lets not even get into doing children's parties.


No, he probably lasted about a week in a zoo where he would salute the passing visitors in a desperate hope of a treat and a little love...but then toss his poo when they shook their heads in disgust and ignored him. People didn't pay him attention, the other monkeys knew he was a spy...No love for the little Nazi monkey.

You would like to think he ended up with a nice group of skin heads or Wahhabi Muslims so he could spend his days doing what he does best on countless YouTube videos...but I don't think this little guy got the "he's living on a farm" happy ending.

Shame what Spielberg did to ya. Sieg Heil little buddy....Sieg Heil.

(Cue fade out to Boyz to Men music)

The Case for the Empire

Wanted to try out quoting another article just as a template for the future, so I picked out this one I read almost 7 years ago(damn) in the Weekly Standard

"Lucas wants the Empire to stand for evil, so he tells us that the Emperor and Darth Vader have gone over to the Dark Side and dresses them in black.

But look closer. When Palpatine is still a senator, he says, "The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good." At one point he laments that "the bureaucrats are in charge now."

Palpatine believes that the political order must be manipulated to produce peace and stability. When he mutters, "There is no civility, there is only politics," we see that at heart, he's an esoteric Straussian.

Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator--but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet. It's a dictatorship people can do business with. They collect taxes and patrol the skies. They try to stop organized crime (in the form of the smuggling rings run by the Hutts). The Empire has virtually no effect on the daily life of the average, law-abiding citizen."

Just think, in order to get control of the government, the Emperor only had to have a war so the people would be forced to embrace change...marginalize(kill) his only opposition for his vision of the governments power, and he was home free....where have I heard this before? Good thing Obama just had to give some flowery speeches devoid of meaning to win over the masses...he already had the war. Then he just ignores the opposition instead of killing them...good to be the king.

Hey if lefties can warp the movies into an anti Bush allegory...I can do the opposite...my kung foo is strong.

Things I think I think: January 12, 2010

1. They are actually making a big hollywood biography about Muhammad...were they will never show him on screen, just so they don't offend. Nothing says entertainment like 3 hours of silloets...maybe they can do them in 3D!...Dear God.

2. After seeing how radical Muslims reacted to just a simple cartoon of Muhammad...I wonder how they would react if anyone actually slipped and called out his name durring sex. Wait...most muslims are named Muhammad...kinky.

3. There are probably Jihadis searching for me right now because I've mispelled Muhammad at least twice now writing this....hopefully spell check saves me....hell Google probably has already sent them all my personal information just because I needed the spellcheck.

4. New fathers should be forced to look at redcarpet photos from the AVN(Adult Video N?) awards as a warning. Not my damn daughter!

Just slap that image on the cover of a parenting book with the title "Don't be that Dad".  NYT best seller.

5. Anyone else expect all the Keebler Elves to come crashing out of that big tree in Avatar when they blew it up?

"They Should Have Sent a Poet"

I'm flipping through google images looking for a good baby/dog picture for another post.  I come across this.

There are no words.  If I had to guess...this has Japanese written all over it.

I Wouldn't get in that water Either.

I know Engineers who don't have this much problem solving ability.

Things I think I think: January 10, 2010

1. Read recently that scientist are hypothising that there are millions of pounds of fish on Europa...first thing that pops into my mind is Japan going on a crash space program and shooting a bunch of "Bonzai!" screaming sushi chefs(wearing only loincloths) into space. They need something new and strange to eat.

2. "Shark Fin Soup" aren't sharks just a bunch of moving cartlage? Isn't that like Americans just tossing chicken cartledge into a soup and KFC charging 20 bucks a bowl?

3. So how long until Lindsey Lohans spirit is haunting some hollywood hotel room?...I just know that room is going to be plagued by unexplained episodes of the minibar being emptied, and unauthorized phone charges followed by random dealers knocking on the door in the middle of the night.

4. Do you think Dr. McCoy is always saying "Damnit I'm a doctor not an XXXX" just to rub it into everyone else that he's a doctor? I mean he's always on the bridge instead of his office doing his job. Probably looking for a pat on the back. Meanwhile Scotty the engineer keeps his ass down in the engine room saving everyone's ass.

5. China wants us to subsidize them to reduce their CO2 emissions. Fine, I want them to subsidize me because I had some chinese food for dinner and I'm hungry an hour later.

E.T made me do it!

Why hasn't anyone pulled the E.T defense in a DUI trial? Come on, an "I'm psychically connected to my drunk pet alien" defense couldn't possible fail!

Aside:  I would kill for a photoshop of E.T in a wifebeater as he chugges down that Coors.  Maybe a faux Cops webisode.  Comeon SNL you should be thinking of this shite!

Aside II:  What kind of message does this send kids?  Elliot gets drunk, gets the girl, becomes the hero of the school.  Way to go Spielberg!

(h/t to the Chewbacca Defense)

New Age Retirement Plan

After looking at my latest 401(k) and Roth statements...started thinking about alternative retirement scenarios. Frankly if your 70ish and your family is thinking of putting you in a home. Rob a fricken bank...what's the worst that can happen? A) you get away with bunch of cash and live happily ever after. B) you get arrested.

So you get arrested. Ok, deny a lawyer...plead guilty. You get 3 hots and a cot...alot more interesting roommates than if you were in a retirement home...free health care...you are not using up your retirement savings, so you can pass it along to your kids or use it to buy favors inside...and your kids can visit you just as well(and infrequently) in prison as a retirement home.

Seems alot more fun than just rotting in a retirement home burning up cash!

Head -> Wall

I started this blog for the new year so that I could pass on things to my brother overseas, and also my idea list for my email musings had gotten up to 1500 and growing because I was going the whole "profectionist" route, and frankly allot were out of time so to speak by the time I got around to sending them out. So I decided to take my friend Kara's advice and start blogging....just get it out. Less than 6 days into the blogosphere....got 75 "drafts" in my posting queue, tons of time to jot done a few ideas...but can't seem to word or find the pics/video I want! Learning experience

...And our next career day speaker is...

Like the title says, I would pay this women to visit little kids just to mess them up, hell this is going into the memory warehouse for when my kids have career day.  Come as a respected engineer, or a muppet slayer?...like that is a choice! 

Ahh the Math Skills of Journalism Majors.

Does anyone else roll their eyes to the heavens and mutter god help us when they see a reporter/reporterette, who look like they are straight from the pages of a Barbie catalogue, say with enthusiasm that HOORAY! the unemployment rate dropped .2% this month! Then they tell us that the country only lost 300k jobs this month instead of the 400k last month...it's an economic REBOUND! Do you think it even flashes through their minds for a second how the country can lose all those jobs and the unemployment rate drop?...yeah me neither, facts have a hard time burrowing through that much pancake make-up. Stop the government "accounting magic" with the jobs numbers and tell the truth.


Definitely a "Glass half empty" day for me

Things I think I think: January 5, 2010

1. The United States needs to have a crash Bioengineering program modeled after the Manhattan Project, just so we can give the President the ability to hold a news conference and announce...."Release the Kraken!"  See the Jihadies mess with that! Zeus > Mohammad.

2. Who wins in a game of hide and go seek? Carmen Sandiego or Waldo?

3. After seeing Avatar, I think God has been lacking in the imagination/beauty department. The government needs to spend some of that stimulus money(Obama's Stash) to bio engineer my grass to glow in the dark...hell they bioed pigs to glow in the dark!

4. Ok, we have American Idol, contestants which SING covers. Then some other show that have groups sing...covers. Then we have dance shows(throw a dart at a style). Where are the shows that feature instrument talent? Did I miss the fact that Gutar Hero/Rock Band are two of the most popular games in history? Put some actual musicians on stage to show what they can do!..let them do some orginal stuff. The other shows cut out the entire male demographic. Makes too much sence I know.

5. Do you think Goofy hates his parents for cursing him with that name?

Smurfs get Sexy and Deadly...unfortunately Handy Smurf not available

Ok, like many of you know...I'm a bit right of center. So that's the news I generally read(I balance at least a 1/3..sad isn't it...like a safety factor)....anyway, so I was really not going to see Avatar because of the green message all the conservatives were howling about. But my sister wanted to go see when she was in town, so we went...so glad we did. Don't get me wrong, you will see everything coming in this movie...we have all seen it before a 100 times. At one point I thought I could sic up Last of the Mohican's with one of the scenes voice track. But for the first time in a decade...I wanted to go back and see it again right away...just plan beautiful.

Things I noticed:

1.  It takes about 10 minutes to get used to the 3d. It's just a matter of learning were to focus...everything is very subtle. Not the old school "hey let's throw a rock out of the screen" 3D. By the last 2/3 your just totally immersed.


2.  Why do all the animals on Pandora have 6 limbs, 4 eyes and 2 of those faux USB devices coming out of their heads except the smurfs?...gotcha...we need to identify with the smurfs...still.

3.  The story would have been SO much better had they followed the story they have posted online(background). In the movie a dirty corp just wants the "gold"...if you read the back story, and they even hint at it in the movie, Earth is dieing...and the mineral is helping to save the population of Earth. Wouldn't that have made a more powerful story if everyone could see a compelling reason for both parties motivations? Course it wouldn't play as well overseas where it is doing gang busters...anti American = money. Except when you need us to protect you!

4.  I loved the bad guy...on a scale of black and white...he was total black, but he was the definition of never second guessing himself, always did what needed to be done...honestly couldn't second guess a single move he made.

5.  Let me know if anyone else thinks it's creepy that all the "elders" of the tribe look exactly like the youngsters. I want some wrinkles...flab...scars!

6.  Speaking of scars...I walk in the woods at night with the dogs just because it freaks me out a bit...I come out with scratches everywhere...Avatar? Like I'm watching a Dove soap commercial.

7.  Only line that really turned me off was when the Marine Colonel said that Jake betrayed his RACE...hello...it should be Species...but seeing as how all the natives are played by minorities(wonderfully), and 99% of the soldiers are white, it can come off bad. I'm just too deep in politics...no that is just too blatant even for hollywood, did it on purpose.

8.  Course the engineer in me just wanted to know why they didn't have something in orbit to just take care of all this trouble.

9.  All in all, the story is old, but it had to be. Cameron wasn't going to get 500mil from the studios to develop the CGI tech to do a risky story.

Update:  If you were a super stealthy huntress, would you wear all those beads in your dreads?  Clink against each other and make all sorts of noise.

The British: Rock Bands Yes...Healthcare Advice...No

Next time I here someone spout poetic about the virtues of the Brtish NHS(National Healthcare System), I'm just going to breakout the "Big Book of British Smiles"

Game...Set...Match.  What happens when there are years long waits to see a dentist.

Vote Toad in 2012!

Things I think I think: January 2, 2010

1. Maybe Pandas don't procreate because they think of each other as too "Cute".

2. Do you ever think Santa will look at the cookies left out for him and just snap yelling "I don't want any damn cookies....I want a Pony!"

3. Christmas shopping is alot more fun when you have little kids to buy for.

4. For someone who just got done leacturing us all about the evils of global warming...you would think the president would have found a place a little colder and a little closer than Hawaii to spend his Christmas vacation.

5. I'm convinced the world started going down hill with the invention of the microwave....once you could get a hot meal in 30 seconds...attention spans and concentration went out the window.

Greek Gods are Passive Agressive

Initially when I read that they were remaking Clash of the Titans I immediately proceeded to face palm in disgust.  Then I saw this trailer.  It's like every rock album cover from the 80's had sex with each other and gave birth to this trailer.  I bet if I watched this trailer with the music off...ehh...no intrest...but I didn't.



So what did we learn from this trailer?

1.  Apparently the monster from Cloverfield is finally getting new scripts...but is still type cast as a big monster from the sea.

2.  Rappers need to be quaking in their boots(but not too hard, not much holding up those pants).  When was the last time you heard a trailer with rap music in it?  Rock is coming back!

3.  They completely need to make this into a live "play".  Toss the orchestra out of their pit...stock it with a heavy metal band...surround the pit with a chain link fence for protection, and then serve cheap beer.

4.  I could make a mint if I had a time machine...screw killing Hitler...I would be back selling Levies to Greek and Scottish warriors.  Kilts are so last millennium.

5.  In that armor...Liam Neason is so much more sparkly than Robart Paterson from Twilight(I have no Idea what that means...but I always here sparkly and twilight together)

Whole Wheat Breads Evil Brother

Ever since the family lived in Iceland we have all had a box of Walkers Shortbread dropped in our stocking for Christmas..it is so good, but I'm thankful it's become only a yearly treat. I'm convinced that the reason Santa is fat and Jolie can be directly traced back to a bunch of fat cats laughing with glee at Walkers corporate headquarters.

Yeah it tries to play itself off as a "Bread"...because breads healthy right? Then it tries to disguise itself further as little pie pieces, cookies, or bars...all of which are probably better for you than what it actually is. I don't know if there is any actual bread in it...it might just be a couple sticks of butter powderized in some unholy process and then compressed into a benign shape. I think I was foolish enough to look at the ingredients label one time to see just how bad it was for me...I just blacked out and when I came through I was just sitting fully clothed in a running shower rocked back and forth sobbing.

So, Walkers shortbread, great once a year. Otherwise treat it as some shady character in a bad neighborhood as you pass buy it at the supermarket...don't make eye contact, just keep moving.